Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

i hope my email finds you on fire

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.