Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You Might Also Like
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
concern
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
I don’t think my car can fly
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
