Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.