Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?