Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time