imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report