imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
who will stop them
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.