@buttsword

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

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@ThaJawn

“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come

“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”

SHE WON’T COME! IT’S A CAT! HAHA

@PresTightrhymes

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

@HeyZeus666

I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.

@KalvinMacleod

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

@5hael

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

@deanna_ficco

Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

@Smooheed

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*