imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
peeping toms
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak