imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well