Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
🤣😂🤣😂
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.