Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends