Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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My therapist after every session
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!