Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

🙀🙀🙀😹

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.