Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
#math
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?