Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”