Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You Might Also Like
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is