Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

There’s no “us” in nachos.