Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Terribly Tuesday.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Ferrari squats

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?