Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
some things should go without saying
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.