Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.


Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep


There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.


Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.


Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary



When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.