My plans must be so fat they never work out.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*holds a grudge
Grudge: Get off me.
There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.