@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

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@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

@carlyken

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

@realHamOnWry

There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.