Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
bros in the example zone 😭
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.