Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.