Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?