Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Word!
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Monday
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.