Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
You Might Also Like
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
◾️
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*