Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.