Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.