Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
it’s finally my moment to shine
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*