Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

I beg your pardon?

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

True embarrassment lies within your first email address