Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm