imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.