imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The honesty is refreshing
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
those birds must be on payroll
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?