Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.