imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.