imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.