imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
You Might Also Like
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*