Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.