Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets