Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.