imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.