imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Someone just threatened to call me later
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano