imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham