imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”