imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of