Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

yikes

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Just had my nails done!

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.