Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?