Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

#dnd #ttrpg

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

😭😭😭

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl