Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
October 31
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL