Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

This was a bad idea all around

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly