Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.