Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.