imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
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A drum solo but on your face.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout