imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.