Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Breaking news:
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”