Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

ㅤ

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?