Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm