imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.