Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Who says great literature is dead?

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand