imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Yeah. This was me today.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.