Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…