imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
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I would like even faster food.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
some cats are just doing for fun!
🏙👨🏼
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.