imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Stop it! 😂
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
is this how new cars are made??
