Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide