Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

so much to do

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

it is time once again

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

What the dentist sees

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.