imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
This is not me but this is me
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point