imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.