Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
house sitting!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I can’t stop watching this.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
White Castle for the Win
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.