Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
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My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Happy Febuary everyone!
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.