Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
