Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Easy enough.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
