Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

who called it hell and not heaven’t

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.