Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”