Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“what that mouth do?” complain
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
